I didn't post yesterday. I wanted to, but I couldn't.
See, if I did, what you would have been reading could have been similar to a suicide note.
I'm not in a good place right now.
And I did write a note. Maybe not a suicide note, although "those" thoughts have been plaguing my head for days. But I wrote a note to my husband - of all the blackness and heart-aches that have been churning in my head - the things I couldn't say out loud to him for fear of ridicule.
I don't know why I thought he'd do that. I have a constant fear that people will not like me or what I have to say. That they will call me irrational and that I'm crazy. So I thought he would too. I wrote it all down and told him to read it far away from me so I wouldn't have to see the disappointment in his face.
The disappointment that I'm not the woman he thought I was....that I'm not the strong one....the level-headed one. I'm the one who is cracked and broken.
I won't go into details - not that I want to keep it secret from you but I just don't know if I can put words like that down again. But The Husband read my note and he did just what I wanted him to do.....he hugged me and told me that everything would be ok.
Sure, we talked more but the end result is that he loves me, and my children love me and even though I'm still in a VERY deep hole - I can see a tiny little pin-prick of light when I look up. Bit by bit that pin-prick of light is getting a little bit bigger.
One day soon, I will emerge. Until then, I will rely on my husband to soothe my soul when I cannot. I will work my way through this with his love and support. He may have to carry me for a while but he is strong and he is able.
And I love him with every part of my being.