Sometimes, I just feel really fucked up in the head and I don't know why I even bother being around the people that love me when I'm in such a feral mood.
This post from Gemma at My Big Nutshell - My motherhood ceiling really reminded me that I'm at my uppermost limit RIGHT NOW.
I've been like it for days and I just can't shift it. There's such a thing as the "fight or flight" reflex. I fall into the "flight" category because I just can't fight anymore. I just want to get far, far away from everything and everyone.
This isn't a new thing for me. About every twelve months or so it creeps up on me and BAM! smacks me right in the back of the head and screams YOU HAVE TO GET OUT!!!!
Not "get out" forever - I could never do that. But I need to get away to remember who I AM. Everything about me is Mum Mum MUM! And right now, even though I love my kids more than I love myself, I don't want to be MUM.....I want to be Marti. I don't want people to want me, need me, rely on me. I just want to BE ME.
The past few years I've treated this problem with a trip to another state; all on my own for a few days. I stay in a nice hotel, catch up with a couple of friends and chill out. It's a time where I don't have to do anything I don't want to do, don't have to look after anybody, don't have to think of anyone else before I choose to do something. I can't even begin to tell you how amazing that feels. When I get back home to my family I feel refreshed and alive and glad to be home.
But I can't do that this time. Why?
Because the Mummy Guilt is eating away at me. My youngest is only 5 months old (well, she will be on Friday). How could I leave her when she's so little? I must be the most AWFUL mother in the world for even contemplating it.
So here I sit, with this blackness inside of me that's eating at me, so slowly. Wondering how I can get through another day without running out the door, without yelling at my kids, without breaking down in tears.
Tomorrow might be a better day, but today is totally fucked.